


wait for me, just a little bit longer

by fuyuki_peridot



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 05:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15308499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuyuki_peridot/pseuds/fuyuki_peridot
Summary: All Jongdae wants is to see Minseok again. But they'll both have to wait- at least, just a little bit longer.





	wait for me, just a little bit longer

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what inspired me to write this (maybe post-elyxion depression?). but i did and i hope you enjoy!!!

Jongdae comes home to an empty house. It's a dark, milky blue in the last traces of spring sunlight, and cold for lack of occupants to manage the temperature. He's aware of the suffocatingly stagnant air for a moment, and the swirling dust floating in the room, then gets used to it once more. His already low mood dips even lower upon entering his depressing house.

It's not like he expected anything else, though.

Quickly, Jongdae showers. He washes the scent of freshly ground coffee beans out of his dark brown hair as best as he could, though the scent is probably permanent by now. When he shuts off the water, the house is silent once more, save for the occasional drip and drop of the shower. He steps out to dry himself off and get dressed.

When he's done so, he returns to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready to sleep. It's only then that he realizes that he hasn't eaten all day- if Minseok were around, he would have been reminded and nagged at until he finally ate something. But Jongdae doesn't care enough about himself to eat, right now.

As he goes through his nightly routine, the glint of the razor blade in the medicine cabinet catches his eye. He consideres it, but as usual, he imagines the look of disapproval and sadness and worry that would show on Minseok's face whenever he _did_ cut, which effectively makes him quit entertaining the thought.

Even now, he doesn't want to do anything that would have disappointed Minseok.

He doesn't realize that he took such a long time until he walks into their bedroom, seeing the large clock that signals that he had spent far more time than the ten minutes he thought he did since he had gotten home. It's okay, though. He wasn't planning to do anything other than sleep anyways.

Jongdae walks past the king bed, neatly made by Minseok. It's dusty- unslept in for a couple of years. Jongdae never sleeps in it. He doesn't want to mess up even the most minute traces of Minseok that he has left. This particular night, looking at it was especially painful, for some reason.

Instead, he sleeps on the balcony, on a small mattress where he can watch the sky and try not to fall into the memories. When he lays down on the said mattress, and pulls the blankets over himself, he can't help but think about how happy he was just two years ago, when he still had Minseok. All thoughts lead back to him, it seems.  
  
He revisits the happiest days they had together. He revists the saddest days, too, and everything in between.

He revisits the day they met, in the small, mediocre coffee shop he now works in. How flustered he was that that cutie was flirting with him- how elated he was when he successfully got his number. He remembers the terrible fight they had over Jongdae's constantly low self-esteem, which, in Minseok's eyes, didn't make sense at all, because to him, Jongdae was perfect. He almost smiles at the thought of his angel's blindness to his many obvious flaws.

He remembers all the little things, too. All the little moments where his dumb jokes brought out Minseok's bright, crooked grin, and the way his small fingers felt intertwined in his own. He remembers the delight in Minseok's eyes whenever he made coffee especially for him, and the look that he received everytime he neglected to care for himself, as usual.

It would be so nice to have all of those days back again, even the sad ones. Minseok's probably tired of waiting for him, and he's tired of waiting too. How much longer does he have to wait? Everyday without him is the same- dull, boring, painful. "I miss you," he says out loud, reaching for a particularly bright star. "But I'll see you soon, I promise."

When Jongdae finally falls asleep, it's under a canopy of softly glowing stars.

//

That night, he has a dream. He dreams that he is alone in a meadow colored by warm greens and speckled by the pinks and purples and blues of the numerous flowers. The wind is gentle, and smells sweet. There are several, fluffy looking clouds that hover in the light sky, and soft rays of shining sunlight filter through, making the floating pollen visible. It makes it seem as though there are glowing drops of liquid gold floating around him in the meadow. The warm glow emanating from the scenery and sky and even his own fingertips makes him think that this is what heaven should look like. He's even tempted to look up and see if there are golden gates in front of him.

He feel calm, and warm and happy. Feelings he hasn't known in a while.

"Dae," he hears suddenly, spoken softly, warmly, lovingly. Jongdae doesn't dare look up. There's only one person who calls him that, and he's not sure if he can take seeing that person again, even if it's just in a dream. "Dae, I know you're listening."

Jongdae finally looks up. Minseok looks back at him, a small and gentle smile on his pretty lips. He's emanating a warm, golden glow as well. Somehow, it feels like it really is Minseok, visiting him in the form of a dream. "Min-" he stutters, heart about to burst. "Min, I miss you."

"I miss you too," he says. Minseok just stands there expectantly, though, not moving at all. Jongdae walks towards him, slowly, uncertainly, but when Minseok spreads his arms, he breaks into a run and when they meet, he feels how solid and warm and _real_ Minseok is in his arms, hugging him back with an equal amount of force and emotion. Jongdae takes in the feel of Minseok's chest rising and falling with slow breaths, burying his face in the crook of his neck. They stand wordlessly in each other's arms for what could have been an eternity. It's Minseok that pulls away from the hug first, and Jongdae can see that for some reason, there is deep sadness in his eyes. "I'll see you soon, I promise," he says, squeezing his small hand tightly.

He looks even sadder, now that he's said that. But he still meets Jongdae's eyes firmly and kisses him once, on the tip of his nose, lightly. "Not too soon, okay?" He can only nod in agreement and Minseok kisses him sweetly and softly. "I want you to live the life you were meant to have," he says quietly, leaning into the crook of Jongdae's neck. He doesn't have the words to respond. He just stands there, running his hand through Minseok's soft, fluffy hair, the other resting on the small of his back. Finally, he says, "If that's what will make you happy, Min."

He feels Minseok smile into his neck. "I just want you to be happy, you know."

Those simple words make Jongdae hurt so badly. He knows it's true- Minseok really does want him to be happy. He's such an angel, such a blessing. He doesn't deserve him. He kisses his fluffy hair once, twice, three times. "I love you, Minseok," he says softly.

"I love you too, Jongdae."

They stand in each other's arms for what feels like an eternity, wordlessly.

//

Jongdae wakes up feeling well-rested, and calm, for once. It's not until he rolls over, expecting to see Minseok's lovely, sleeping face when he abruptly remembers that it was all just a dream- or a vision. It somehow felt more substantial and real than a dream. Still, the emotions fade away, replaced by dread and numbness and crushing disappointment.

Slowly, he drags himself out, preparing to face the day. He's glad he didn't schedule himself for work today, because ever since Minseok left, he's hated being a barista.

Jongdae checks his phone and sees that it's March 26. Right. That's why he scheduled a day off today.

He wonders, almost casually, what he could do today, but nothing comes to mind. He doesn't want anything but to see Minseok. He's about to turn around and return to the mattress to sleep again when he realizes that he should visit his grave- after all, it is his birthday.

So Jongdae dresses himself in nice clothes, and eats breakfast for once. It's what Minseok would have wanted. As he eats slowly, he decides that he'll bring a cup of home-brewed coffee, as well as his favorite bouquet of flowers from the nearby florist. He finishes his food with renewed vigor.

When he finally leaves for the florist, the sun is already shining bright and strong. It's very warm, and the sky is clear. Jongdae stops by the florist and picks up a large bouquet of pretty blue flowers. It comes out to be more expensive than he thought, but he's perfectly okay with it. He's always been okay with spending money on Minseok, with doing anything for Minseok.

On his drive, he turns on the radio, something he hasn't done in a while. Minseok's favorite song is playing. How ironic. But he finds himself humming along anyways, and then quietly saying the lyrics as they slowly come back to him.

He's still humming the sweet melody when he reaches his grave. Jongdae places the bouquet and coffee carefully and then sits down beside the headstone.

"Min," he whispers. To his own surprise, he's smiling a little. "I've missed you so much. It's been a year since I last came to see you again. I'm sorry it took so long."

He finds himself rambling on. "I wanted to visit you at Christmas, you know. But I got so sad that day and I just couldn't find the strength to do it. I was even considering- yeah. But I know that's not what you want for me."

Tears- tears are welling up in his eyes now?

"I don't know if it was really just a dream or if you actually came to see me last night, but it felt so good to finally hold you again. To finally see your beautiful face again. You know I haven't looked at your pictures in these years you've been gone? I can't bear to. I think I'll end up crying so hard I'll throw up."

He feels his throat closing up and he takes a deep, steadying breath. No. He won't cry here.

"I miss you so, so much, Min, and I know you know already. I want to see you again. I want to see that adorable smile again. I want to hear your soft laugh whenever I cringed at your stupid jokes- god, I miss your fucking jokes, too."

He's crying now, and he can't stop it, but it's okay. Everything's okay.

"I would- I would do anything, anything, just to- just to have you back again. You know that? I- I think you know that. But-"

He sniffs hard and wipes his eyes.

"But I know you want me to live my life. And- and as hard as it is for me- I'll try if it's for you. No- no, I promise I will. For you. I promise I'll live on for you, Minseok."

He gets up shakily and gives a small, watery smile to the headstone. "I guess I won't be seeing you anytime soon, then."

Takes another deep, steadying breath.

"I miss you so much. I miss you so, so much. But I promise that I'll see you. You- you'll just have to wait a little longer. Okay?"

He wipes the last tears away and gives a real smile.

//

Jongdae spends the rest of the day walking through the park, petting passing dogs, and soaking in the sunshine. Just relaxing. Letting himself feel good, like how Minseok would have wanted.

He stays out until night falls and the moon has come out and stars have started to sprinkle the sky. It feels nice to be outside for once.

But it's late and he has work tomorrow. He starts to walk back towards the cemetery, where his car is still parked. Jongdae doesn't really want to- maybe he'll call in sick. Have another day to himself. Maybe he can have one of those self-care days that Minseok liked to have- soak in a nice, warm bath, wear a face mask, maybe drink a little?

He's so lost in that thought that he doesn't notice the headlights rushing at him- the horn snaps him back to reality-

Too late- a crushing pain somewhere in his ribs. A large splatter of dark blood on the sidewalk- is that his?- and blackness taking over the edges of his vision. He realizes the pool of blood he's laying in is steadily growing bigger.

He's dying, he realizes. Almost laughs bitterly. What a time to get hit by a fucking car.

 _Min_ , he tries to say. He can't. The pain in his chest is far too severe to even breathe. _I'm sorry. I couldn't keep my promise._

The sound of the car door slamming and the driver panicking is faded and faraway-sounding.

_Looks like I'm going to see you sooner than we expected._

**Author's Note:**

> i hope that got to you as much as it got to me because i cried while writing this tbh
> 
> thank you so much for reading! please follow my minseok + fanart account on instagram: @minseokfully326
> 
> ♡


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